I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
