we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
