my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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