I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
