i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
