what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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