My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
