having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
