i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
pop tarts are not kleenex
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
