i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
