Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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