i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
