Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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