i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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