Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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