I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
