I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
