Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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