Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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