Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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