the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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