Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
