Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
