I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
