I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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