i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
