um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Randomize
