I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
