I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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