my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
