then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
