My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
