you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
