i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize