Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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