i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
