At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
