drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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