we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize