Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
