Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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