I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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