The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
