I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
