Your tits are I can't wait for
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need moral support for this bender
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
