I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
we should paint friendship bongs
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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