I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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