I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
