If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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