about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
