In the future we'll all be gay
People in love make me want to vomit
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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