Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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