my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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