i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
is it fun? or sober?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
