Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My breasts were aching with rage.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
