There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
