I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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