So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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