Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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