I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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