So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
